WHAT
WE HAVE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
-
Submitted by Clifford Fraser
Imagine
you lived a remote life but had sattelite television and
were
able to see movies all of the time. How misguided would your
life
be? Below are a few of the things that you would have learned.
All
beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
If
being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All
grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
Once
applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
SCUBA diving
During
all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.
All
telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris
Should
you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
Most
laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
If
staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
It
is always possible to park directly outside the
building you are visiting.
All
bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When
they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer
to speak English to each other.
When
paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you
take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
A
man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
