SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE
 

"Kids in America" The Muffs
(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)
CHER V.O.
     So OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like a Noxema commercial,
     or what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a
     teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my
     school clothes.
"Fashion Girl" David Bowie
     Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest
     kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is
     terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid
     five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with
     people, but he fights with me for free 'cause
     I'm his daughter.
CHER
     Daddy!
MEL
     Cher, please don't start with the juice again.
CHER
     Daddy, you need your vitamin C.
MEL
     Where's my briefcase?
CHER
     It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out to Malibu.
MEL
     Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been calling again.
CHER
     They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office. Dr.
     Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot.
MEL
     Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.
CHER
     Why?
MEL
     Because he's your step-brother!
CHER
     But you were hardly even married to his mother and that was five
     years ago. Why do I have to see Josh?
 MEL
     You divorce wives, not children.
CHER
     Here.
MEL
     Forget it!
 

SCENE II - CHER'S CAR
 

"Just a girl" No Doubt
CHER V.O.
     Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four wheel
     drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't have a
     licence yet, but I need something to learn on.
(Cher runs over a potted plant on the kerb)
     Oh, why that came out of nowhere.
      Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what
     it's like to have people be jealous of us.
DIONNE
     Dude!
CHER
     Girlfriend!
CHER V.O.
     And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.
DIONNE
     Hey Cher.
CHER V.O.
     Dionne and I were both named after great
     singers of the past who now do infomercials.
DIONNE
     So?
CHER
     Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
DIONNE
     Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my backpack.
CHER
     It's Faux.
DIONNE
     Hello. That was a stop sign!
CHER
     I totally paused!
DIONNE
     Yeah, OK.
 

SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY
 

DIONNE
     It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me.
CHER
     He is so possesive.
DIONNE
     Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and
     he's all "Where were you today?" and I'm like "I'm at my
     Grandmother's house"...
CHER V.O.
     Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship.
     I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many
     times. Now I have to say to her...
CHER
     Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.
DIONNE
     Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes.
"Shoop" Salt n' Pepa
MURRAY
     Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
DIONNE
     I hate when you call me Woman!
MURRAY
     Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' around
     behind my back?
DIONNE
     Jeepin'?
CHER
     Jeepin'.
 MURRAY
     Jeepin', jeepin'.
DIONNE
     No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain to me how
     this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car.
MURRAY
     I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your
     stringy something on others you got up here...
DIONNE
     Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike some people I
     know, like Shawanna.
CHER
     Dee, I'm outie.
DIONNE
     Bye.
MURRAY
     Why do you gotta go there?
DIONNE
     That's it. I've had it with you.
MURRAY
     Is it that time of the month again?
(Croud Gasps)
CHER V.O.
     I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school boy. They're
     like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're just
     like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.
(Random guy puts his arm around Cher)
CHER
     Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF!
 

SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE
 

MR HALL
     Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will
     take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.
CHER
     So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to
     America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our
     resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my
     father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down
     dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like,
     totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the
     kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra
     place settings, but by the end of the day it
     was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the
     government could just get to the kitchen,
     rearrange some things, we could certainly party
     with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I
     please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P.
     on the Statue of Liberty?
(Class breaks into applause)
CHER
     Thank you very much.
MR HALL
     Uh, Amber? Replying?
AMBER
     Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's
     talking about some little party.
CHER
     Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday!
AMBER
     Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
MR HALL
     Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration?
     Elton? Comments?
ELTON
     Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do to the Quad
     before somebody snags it.
MR HALL
     I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?
TRAVIS
     I had an insight, Mr. Hall.
MR HALL
     I'm all ears.
TRAVIS
     OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids
     are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't
     torment my Mom anymore, huh?
MR HALL
     Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is
     always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.
TRAVIS
     Thank you.
MR HALL
     And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you report cards.
     Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class?
CHER
     MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint
     custody, so he'll be spending one semester in
     Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a
     travesty on the part of the legal profession.
 MR HALL
     Thank you for that perspective Cher.
(Mr. Hall hands out the report cards)
     Now could all conversations please come to a halt.
(Travis jumps up to the window)
     And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next
     period?
TRAVIS
     Must die.
 CHER V.O.
     Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first
     period. I got a C in debate?!
 

SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY
 

CHER (on phone)
     Dee?
DIONNE
     Wassup?
CHER
     Did you get your report card?
DIONNE
     Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do?
CHER
     I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic on me.
DIONNE
     Mr. Hall was way harsh!
(Cher and Dionne meet up in the hall)
     He gave me a C minus.
CHER
     Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.
DIONNE
     Bye.
CHER
     I'll call ya, OK?
DIONNE
     Yeah.
 

SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE
 

CHER V.O.
     Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
     Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke
     accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I
     like to pretend she still watches over me.
CHER
     Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
"Fake Plastic Trees (Acoustic Version)" Radiohead
CHER V.O.
     Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University
     station.
CHER
     Waa, waa, waa.
(Cher enters the kitchen)
     Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music?
JOSH
     Hey, who's watching the Galleria?
CHER
     So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle
     weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the
     refrigerator?
JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy)
     Oo, wow. You're filling out there.
CHER
     Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.
JOSH
     I went by Dad's office.
CHER
     He is not your Dad. Why don't you torture a new family.
JOSH
     Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's
     my father.
CHER
     Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.
(They enter the Lounge)
     I hope you're not thinking of staying here.
JOSH
     I sure want to.
CHER
     I'm sure you do.
JOSH
     I've got a place in Westwood, near School.
CHER
     Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U.
     aren't at all particular.
JOSH
     Hahaha, you're funny.
(Josh changes the channel from Beavis and Butthead to the News)
CHER
     Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing couch
     Commando!
JOSH
     Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual,
     but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in
     the world.
CHER
     Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell
     me that part about Kenny G again?
MEL (From Dining Room)
     C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here!
(They move to the Dining Room)
     Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.
JOSH
     I don't think so.
MEL (to Cher)
     Doesn't he look bigger?
CHER
     His head does.
MEL
     So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about
     Corporate Law?
JOSH
     Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out
     Environmental Law.
MEL
     What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
CHER
     Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
MEL
     At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good college. I'd
     like to see you have a little bit of direction.
CHER
     I have direction.
JOSH
     Yeah, towards the mall.
MEL
     Which reminds me, where's your report card?
CHER
     It's not ready yet.
MEL
     What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"
CHER
     Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how
     you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are
     just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
MEL
     Very good.
(One of the mobile phones rings, everyone answers their phone)
CHER
     Dee?
JOSH
     Yeah?
MEL
     Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon.
(Cher and Josh put their phones down)
CHER
     You are such a brown-noser.
JOSH
     Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What makes you think
     you can get teachers to change your grades?
MEL (in background)
     I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he understand? In the
     morning.
CHER
     Only the fact that I've done it every other
     semester.
 

SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES
 

"Shake some action" Cracker
CHER V.O.
     I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart, so she
     raised my C to a B.
CHER
     I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't study.
MISS STOEGER
     They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible, don't feel
     bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this.
CHER V.O.
     Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing campaign to my
     congressman about violations of the clean air act.
     But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates were
     unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF!
     I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to
     find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and
     regain my strength.
 

SCENE VIII - THE MALL
 

DIONNE
     Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or
     something?
CHER
     God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all
     day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I have tried
     everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I was
     brutally rebuffed.
DIONNE
     Get over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants to make
     everyone else miserable too.
CHER
     Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall
     sublimely happy.