CHER V.O.
Here's
the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single, he's 47, and he
earns
minor duckets for a thankless job. What that man needs is a
good healthy
boinkfest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe
drought
in our school. The evil trolls from the math department were
actually
married,... oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of
P.E. teachers,
Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of
course,
there was always Miss Giest. Something told me not to
discount
Miss Giest. Well sure, she has runs in her stockings, and
her slip
is always showing, and she always has more lipstick on her
teeth
than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming for a make-over.
I'm her
only hope.
(Cher is writing a note outside
Miss Giest's pidgeon hole)
DIONNE
Rough
winds do shake the darling buds of May but thy eternal summer
shall
not fade. Phat! Did you write that?
CHER
Duh, it's
like a famous quote.
DIONNE
From where?
CHER
Cliff's
notes.
DIONNE
Oh.
(Travis and Miss Giest walk out
of her office
toward where Cher and Dionne have
split the
scene)
MISS GIEST
I know
you're going to be better now. Now, you run along and I'll
see you
third period and you will try to remember to bring your
textbook.
TRAVIS
Uh, OK.
(Miss Giest reads the note left
by the girls and her face brightens)
DIONNE
Oh, my
God! She actually looked happy!
CHER
Oooh,
classic!
(Scene changes to Mr. Hall's classroom)
MR HALL
Paroudasm
Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off.
(Paroudasm mutters something in
Farsi and his friends cheer)
Janet
Huon, no tardies.
CLASSMATES
Kisser!
MR HALL
Travis
Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the
class.
Congratulations.
(The whole class cheers and applaudes.
Travis approaches the podium)
TRAVIS
This is
so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared.
Uh, but
I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something you can
do all
on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.
Uh, I'd
like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to
school,
the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown
kid, and,
uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds
for spending
hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might
never
be tardy.
MR HALL
Well,
if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages to include in his
speech,
I'll go on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
CHER
I object!
Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?
MR HALL
One was
last Monday!
CHER
Mr. Hall,
I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to haul ass to the
ladies'.
MR HALL
I assume
your referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that
one slide.
CHER
Thank
you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you.
MR HALL
What do
you mean?
CHER
Well,
she said that you were the only one
in this
school with any intelligence.
SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE
MEL
Cher,
get in here!
CHER
Yes, Daddy?
MEL
Would
you tell me what the hell this is?
CHER
Um, a
second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember
getting
a first notice.
MEL
The ticket
is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get
tickets
without a licence.
CHER
Oh, sure
you can. You can get tickets anytime.
MEL
Oh, is
that so?
(Cher nods)
Well not
around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not
drive,
sit, do anything in that jeep without a supervised driver
present.
And no cruisin' around with Dionne, alright? Two permits do
not equal
a licence! Do I make myself clear?
CHER
Yes, Daddy.
MEL
Cher,
I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply
yourself.
CHER
I will.
I'm gonna practise real hard.
MEL
OK.
(The scene moves to the poolside)
CHER V.O.
A licenced
driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a
loser?
CHER
Hey, granola
breath, you got something on your
chin.
JOSH
I'm growing
a goatee.
CHER
Oh, that's
good. You don't want to be the last one at the coffee
house
without chin pubes.
JOSH
I can't
tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours, but in
the interest
of saving time, why don't you just tell me what you
want.
CHER
OK. So,
actually, I have a permit and I can drive and all, but Daddy
says I
can't take the jeep out without a licenced driver, and since
your not
doing anything and all, you know?
JOSH
What are
the chances of you shutting up until you get your way?
CHER
Hmmm,
slim to none. C'mon!
SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR
JOSH
Hey, James
Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
CHER
I am.
You try driving in platforms.
JOSH
Look,
I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to practise parking?
CHER
What's
the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What class you going
to?
JOSH
Actually,
I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might get Marky
Mark to
plant a celebrity tree.
CHER
How fabulous.
Getting Marky Mark to take
time from
his busy pants-dropping schedule to
plant
trees? Josh, why don't you just hire a
gardener?
JOSH
You know,
maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good
cause,
make a contribution. In case you have never heard of that, a
contribution
is the giving of...
CHER
Excuse
me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to
Lucy...
JOSH
time...
funds...
CHER
And as
soon as I get my licence I fully intend to brake for animals,
and I
have contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find
romance.
JOSH
Which
I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs. You know, if I
ever saw
you do something that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd
die of
shock.
CHER
Oh, that'd
be reason enough for me.
SCENE XII - SCHOOL
CHER
Would
you call me selfish?
DIONNE
No. Not
to your face.
CHER
Really?
DIONNE
What's
wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's going through his
post-adolescent
idealistic phase?
CHER
Look,
there's Mr. Hall.
(The girls run over to Mr. Hall)
Mr. Hall,
Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee?
MR HALL
Well,
not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under normal
circumstances.
CHER
Well,
I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this
morning
I gave him my lemon snapple, and I took his sucky Italian
roast.
Do you want it?
MR HALL
Are you
sure you don't want it?
CHER
Duh, it
might stunt my growth. I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford.
But I
thought maybe you and Miss Giest might like it?
DIONNE
Maybe
you can share it?
MR HALL
Well,
uh, thanks.
CHER
Sure.
(To Dionne)
Hmm?
(Outside Miss Giest's office, she
opens the door)
CHER & DIONNE
Miss Giest!
MISS GIEST
Hi girls.
Did you sign up for the environmental fair?
DIONNE
Oh, yeah,
we will.
CHER
You have
such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these clips are so
cute.
DIONNE
And this
tiny little waist. Oooh, wow.
MISS GIEST
Girls.
Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.
DIONNE
Not a
total betty, but a vast improvement.
CHER
Well,
we did our best.
DIONNE
Mmmm,
Hmmm.
CHER
We gotta
book it if we're going to make it to P.E.
(Scene moves outside)
C'mon,
Dee.
DIONNE
Ohh, I
feel like failing, dude, c'mon.
CHER
I know
what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a
heffer.
I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of turkey bacon,
a handful
of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like, three
pieces
of licorice.
DIONNE
(Gasp)
Oh, my God. Look. Is that a photo op, or what?
CHER
Will you
look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each
other.
That's an unequivocal sex invite.
DIONNE
Oh, Cher,
he's getting her digits. Look at
Giest,
she is so cute.
CHER
Ohh, old
people can be so sweet.
"Change" Lightning Seeds
(The following
scenes show Miss Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while
everyone
is thanking Cher.)
CHER V.O.
The entire
student body was utterly
grateful
for the improvement in their grades.
SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE
MEL
Cher,
what's this all about?
CHER
My report
card?
MEL
The same
semester?
CHER
Uh-huh.
MEL
What'd
you do? Turn in some extra-credit reports?
CHER
No.
MEL
You take
the mid-terms over?
CHER
Uh-uh.
MEL
You mean
to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
CHER
Totally
based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?
MEL
Honey,
I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
CHER
Thank
you.
MEL
Fabulous.
SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E.
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Robert
Hazard
CHER V.O.
I felt
so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.
(Dionne sneezes)
CHER
Dee, when
your allergies act up, take out your nose-ring.
MISS STOEGER
Follow...
through! There you go, there you go. All right, Cher.
Earth
to Cher! Come in Cher!
CHER
Oh. Miss
Stoeger? I would just like to say
that physical
education in this school is a
disgrace.
I mean, standing in line for forty
minutes
is hardly aerobically effective. I
doubt
I've worked off the calories in a stick
of care-free
gum.
(Class cheers)
MISS STOEGER
Well,
you certainly exercised your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball.
(Ball flies by, inches from Cher's
nose)
CHER
Miss Stoeger,
that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
MISS STOEGER
Thanks
for the legal advice.
(Cher returns to line)
Dionne?
You're up.
DIONNE
Uh, no,
Miss Stoeger? I have a note from my tennis instructor, and
he would
prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training that
might
derail his teachings.
MISS STOEGER
Fine!
Amber?
AMBER
Miss Stoeger.
My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity
where
balls fly at my nose.
DIONNE
Well,
there goes your social life.
(Girls giggle. Principal walks
onto the scene)
PRINCIPAL
Miss Stoeger?
Got another one. Ladies, we have a new student with
us. This
is Tai Frasier.
MISS STOEGER
Tai, you
don't have time to change, but you could hit a few balls in
those
clothes.
AMBER
She could
be a farmer in those clothes.
CHER
Dee, my
mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so
adorably
clueless. We have got to adopt her.
DIONNE
Cher,
she is toe-up. Our stock would plummet.
CHER
Dee, don't
you want to use your popularity for a good cause?
DIONNE
No.
CHER
(Motions to Tai)
C'mere.
Yeah, c'mere. Hang with us.
TAI
Oh, thank
you.
CHER
How do
you like California?
TAI
Man, I
am freakin'. I could really use some sort of a herbal
refreshment?
DIONNE
Well,
we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have
Coke and
stuff.
TAI
No shit!
You guys got Coke here?
DIONNE
Well,
yeah.
CHER
Yeah,
this is America.
(Scene changes to the girls walking
down main path)
"Unknown song and artist"
CHER V.O.
So, we
decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
CHER
That is
Alana's group over there. They do the T.V. station. They
think
that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the
Persian
mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW. And
there's
Elton in the white vest, and all the most popular boys in
the school.
DIONNE
Including
my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
If you
make the decision to date a high school boy, they are the
only acceptable
ones.
TAI
Cher,
which one of them is your boyfriend?
CHER
As if!
DIONNE
Cher's
got attitude about high school boys.
CHER
It's a
personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.
(Murray approaches the girls)
MURRAY (to Dionne)
Woman,
lend me five dollars.
DIONNE
Murray,
I have asked you repeatedly not to call me Woman!
MURRAY
Excuse
me, Miss Dionne.
DIONNE
Thank
you.
MURRAY
OK, but
street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression.
Most of
the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily
in a misogynistic
undertone.
(Murray hops away)
TAI
Wow! You
guys talk like grown-ups.
CHER
Oh, well,
this is a really good school.
TAI
I'm gonna
go get a soda. You guys want?
CHER
Sure.
TAI
Alright.
DIONNE
She's
nice.
CHER
Oooh,
project!
(Scene changes to inside cafeteria)
"My Iron Lung" Radiohead
TRAVIS (To food)
Oh, wow.
That's disgusting.
(To Tai)
That's
nice representation.
TAI
Thanks.
Those are really nice stickers.
TRAVIS
Oh, you
like 'em? See, I was thinking it was too cluttered. You
know,
I wanna wipe all of this out and concentrate on one main
decorative
statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian. Right there.
TAI
Get outa
town! I can do Marvin the Martian.
TRAVIS
Really?
TAI
Well,
I mean, there's not really a lot to him. But, you wanna see?
TRAVIS
Yeah.
TAI
Here.
TRAVIS
Oh, wow!
That's really cool.
TAI
Thanks.
TRAVIS
You drew
that?
TAI
Yeah,
and wait, I got... one here.
TRAVIS
You didn't
trace this?
TAI
Uh-uh.
No. Here's another one over here. And, lots of little guys.
TRAVIS
That is
so cute!
TAI
I love
to draw.
TRAVIS
You're
really good at it.
TAI
No.
TRAVIS
Yeah,
really you are.
TAI
No.
TRAVIS
Yeah!
(Scene changes to outside)
DIONNE
Are you
sure that's fat free?
CHER
Oh, yes.
And you lose wait by doing it like this. Like really small.
(Dionne giggles/hisses)
It's true.
TAI
I met
a really cool guy.
CHER
Describe!
TAI
Alright,
he's got long hair, he's really funny, and straight off,
right?
He offers me some smoke. There he is!
CHER
Are you
talking about drugs?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
Tai, how
old are you?
TAI
I'll be
sixteen in May.
CHER
My birthday
is in April, and as someone older, can I please give you
some advice?
(Tai nods)
It is
one thing to spark up a dubie and get laced at parties, but it
is quite
another to be fried all day.
DIONNE
Do you
see the distinction?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
Loadies
generally hang on the grassy knoll over there.
"unknown song and artist" guitarish
Sometimes
they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all
laugh,
of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them.
DIONNE
Hmm-mm.
CHER
You don't
want to start off on the wrong foot, do you?????????????
(TAI shakes her head)
I've got
an idea. Let's do a make-over!
(Dionne lights up)
TAI
No, no.
DIONNE
Oh, c'mon!
Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a make-over. OK, it
gives
her a sense of control on a world full of chaos.
CHER
Pleeeaaase.
(How could anyone resist that?!)
TAI
Sure.
Why not? Shit! You guys! I have never had straight friends
before.