(off-screen)
Go away!
Inigo pounds again.
MIRACLE MAX
(opening a small window in the door)
What? What?
INIGO
Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
MIRACLE MAX
The King's stinking son fired me. And thank
you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it,
why don't you give me a nice paper cut and
pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!
He shuts the window. They rap on the door.
MIRACLE MAX
(opening the window)
Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
FEZZIK
I'm on the Brute Squad.
MIRACLE MAX
(looking at the Giant)
You are the Brute Squad.
INIGO
We need a miracle. It's very important.
MIRACLE MAX
Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you
want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever
you wanted me to miracle.
INIGO
He's already dead.
MIRACLE MAX
(for the first time, interested)
He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
He unlocks the door and lets them in.
CUT TO:
INIGO AND FEZZIK,
hurrying inside. FEZZIK carries Westley who is just starting to stiffen
up a little. He lays Westley down across a bench by the
fireplace, picks Westley's arm up and lets it drop limp.
MIRACLE MAX
I've seen worse.
He studies Westley a moment, checking here, checking there.
INIGO
Sir. Sir.
MIRACLE MAX
Hah?
INIGO
We're really in a terrible rush.
MIRACLE MAX
(He takes nothing from nobody)
Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
&n bsp; INIGO
Sixty-five.
MIRACLE MAX
Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.
INIGO
This is noble, sir.
(pointing to Westley)
His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
MIRACLE MAX
Are you a rotten liar.
INIGO
I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
MIRACLE MAX
Your first story was better.
(looking around)
Where's that bellows?
(spots it)
He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
He goes to get a huge bellows.
INIGO
(stupefied)
He's dead. He can't talk.
MIRACLE MAX
Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens
that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big
difference between mostly dead and all dead.
Please
open his mouth.
Inigo does. Max inserts the bellows in Westley's mouth and starts to pump.
MIRACLE MAX
Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all
dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can
do.
INIGO
What's that?
He stops pumping.
MIRACLE MAX
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
He starts pumping again.
MIRACLE MAX
(to Westley)
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?
And he presses lightly on Westley's chest.
WESTLEY
... tr ... oooo .... luv...
Everybody stares at Westley lying there on the bench.
INIGO
True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
MIRACLE MAX
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the
world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich,
where the mutton is nice and lean and the
tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said.
He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we
all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards,
and he cheated --
A WOMAN'S VOICE
-- Liar -- LIAR-LI-A-A-AR --
VALERIE, an ancient fury, storms out of a back room and toward
MIRACLE MAX
-- get back, witch --
VALERIE
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
MIRACLE MAX
You never had it so good.
VALERIE
"True love." He said, "true love," Max. My God --
MIRACLE MAX
(retreating)
Don't say another word, Valerie.
VALERIE
(turning to Inigo and FEZZIK)
He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence
is shattered.
MIRACLE MAX
Why'd you say that name -- you promised me that you would never say that name --
VALERIE
(pursuing him now)
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck --
MIRACLE MAX
(holding his hands over his ears)
I'm not listening.
VALERIE
A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --
MIRACLE MAX
Nobody's hearing nothing!
VALERIE
Humperdinck. Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
INIGO
-- But this is Buttercup's true love -- If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
VALERIE
Humperdinck. Humperdinck --
MIRACLE MAX
(to Valerie)
Shut up --
(now to Inigo)
Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
INIGO
Humiliations galore!
MIRACLE MAX
That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.
And as Valerie shrieks excitedly we
CUT TO:
THIS LUMP.
It is somewhat smaller than a tennis ball.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAX AND VALERIE, exhausted, looking at the lump
with beautific pleasure, as Valerie,
cooking utensil in hand, covers the thing with what looks like chocolate.
Inigo and FEZZIK stare at the thing too, but more
dubiously.
&n bsp;
INIGO
(a little appalled)
That's a miracle pill?
(Max nods)
VALERIE
(finishing)
The chocolate coating makes it go down easier.
But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you
shouldn't go swimming after, for at least,
what?
MIRACLE MAX
An hour.
VALERIE
Yeah, an hour.
MIRACLE MAX
A good hour. Yeah.
Inigo accepts the pill as FEZZIK takes Westley, who is stiff as a board now.
INIGO
(heading out the door, FEZZIKclose behind)
Thank you for everything.
MIRACLE MAX
Okay.
VALERIE
(waving after them)
Bye-bye, boys.
MIRACLE MAX
Have fun storming the castle.
VALERIE
(to Max)
Think it'll work?
MIRACLE MAX
It would take a miracle. Bye!
VALERIE
Bye.
And as they wave, trying to look happy we --
CUT TO:
FEZZIK, INIGO, AND WESTLEY,
on the top of the outer wall of the castle. They look down to the front gate of the castle. The sixty Brutes are visible.
FEZZIK is thunderstruck by how many Brutes there are. Upset, he turns
to Inigo, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to
prop Westley against the wall.
FEZZIK
Inigo -- there's more than thirty --
INIGO
(absolutely unfazed)
What's the difference?
(indicating the half-dead Westley)
We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.
FEZZIK
Has it been fifteen minutes?
INIGO
We can't wait -- the wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.
During this, FEZZIK, using all his strength, has managed to get Westley
into a right angled sitting postion, while Inigo brings out
the miracle pill.
INIGO
Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
FEZZIK
(following orders)
How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?
CUT TO:
INIGO.
Pill in hand, he drops it into Westley's mouth.
INIGO
Your guess is as good as mine --
WESTLEY
I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together.
FEZZIK
Guess not very long.
Inigo and FEZZIK react. Westley is the only one not amazed.
WESTLEY
Why won't my arms move?
He sits there, immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy.
FEZZIK
You've been mostly dead all day.
INIGO
We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
WESTLEY
Who are you? -- Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? -- Where's Buttercup? --
INIGO
Let me explain --
(pauses very briefly)
-- No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup
is marrying Humperdinck in a little less than half an hour, so
all we have to do is get in, break up the
wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Rugen.
WESTLEY
That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.
He is watching his fingers, one of which twitches now.
FEZZIK
You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.
WESTLEY
I've always been a quick healer.
(to Inigo)
What are our liabilities?
INIGO
There is but one working castle gate.
FEZZIK helps Inigo raise Westley just high enough so he can see for himself.
INIGO
And it is guarded by sixty men.
WESTLEY
And our assets?
&n bsp; INIGO
Your brains, FEZZIK's strength, my steel.
CUT TO:
WESTLEY,
absolutely stunned.
WESTLEY
That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...
He shakes his head from side to side.
CUT TO:
INIGO AND FEZZIK
FEZZIK
(trying to be cheery)
You just shook your head -- that doesn't make
you happy?
