My brains, his steel, and your strength against
sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me
happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow,
that would be something.
INIGO
Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?
FEZZIK
Over the Albino, I think.
WESTLEY
Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
INIGO
There we cannot help you.
FEZZIK
(pulling one out)
Will this do?
INIGO
(to FEZZIK-- surprised)
Where did you get that?
FEZZIK
At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
WESTLEY
All right, all right. Come on, help me up.
Inigo and FEZZIK do.
WESTLEY
Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
INIGO
Why? You can't even lift one.
WESTLEY
True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?
(And his bead tilts limply back. FEZZIKsets it up right for him)
Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
INIGO
I'll say -- how do I find the Count? -- Once
I do, how do I find you again? -- Once I find you again, how do we
escape? --
FEZZIK
(sharply)
Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.
INIGO
(nods)
Right, right, sorry.
CUT TO:
A SHOT OF THE THREE OF THEM IN PROFILE.
They move along the wall in silence for a time. Then these words come to us on the wind --
FEZZIK
Inigo.
INIGO
What?
FEZZIK
I hope we win...
CUT TO:
BUTTERCUP,
in her bridal gown, and she's incredible. It's not just her beauty; there's a tranquility about her now.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
The Prince, fastening a pearl necklace around her.
HUMPERDINCK
You don't seem excited, my little muffin.
BUTTERCUP
Should I be?
HUMPERDINCK
Brides often are, I'm told.
BUTTERCUP
(gently, confidently)
I do not marry tonight.
CUT TO:
BUTTERCUP,
and she couldn't seem more serene.
BUTTERCUP
My Westley will save me.
CUT TO:
HER WESTLEY
looking down on the gate with Inigo and FEZZIK.
CUT TO:
THE MAIN GATE OF THE CASTLE
-- and Yellin, standing there, flanked by his sixty Brutes.
CUT TO:
WESTLEY AND INIGO AND FEZZIK,
looking out at the enemy. This is it. Inigo and FEZZIK shake hands.
Westley can't even do that, but after a bit of rocking back and forth,
he manages to get enough momentum to catapult his arm
over and onto his friend's.
CUT TO:
AN ABSOLUTELY GEM-LIKE LITTLE CHAPEL
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
THE MOST INTELLIGENT LOOKING, THE MOST IMPRESSIVE APPEARING CLERGYMAN
IAMGINABLE.
Buttercup and Humperdinck kneel before the Clergyman. Behind them sit
the mumbling old KING AND QUEEN. Standing in
the back is Count Rugen.
FOUR GUARDS are in position flanking the chapel door.
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
(clears his throat, begins to speak)
Mawidge...mawidge is what bwings us togewer today...
He has an impediment that would stop a clock.
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam...
And now, from outside the castle, there begins to come a commotion. And then --
YELLIN
(off-screen)
Stand your ground, men. Stand your ground.
CUT TO:
THE BRUTES AND YELLIN,
by the gate, for it is indeed they who are making the commotion, frightened, pointing.
YELLIN
Stand your ground.
CUT TO:
THEIR P.O.V.:
And it is a bit unnerving -- a GIANT seems to be floating toward them
out of the darkness, a Giant in a strange cloak, and with
a voice that would crumble walls.
FEZZIK
I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS. THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS.
CUT TO:
FEZZIK
and he seems to be floating because he's standing in the wheelbarrow,
as Inigo, hidden behind him, busts a gut by pushing it and
supporting Westley.
INIGO
Now?
WESTLEY
Not yet.
CUT TO:
THE GIANT FLOATING CLOSER
FEZZIK
MY MEN ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU WILL NOT BE HERE --
CUT TO:
YELLIN,
keeping the Brutes in position, or trying to, shouting orders, instructions and as yet the Brutes hold. Now --
CUT TO:
INIGO AND WESTLEY.
Inigo struggles bravely under their combined weight --
INIGO
Now?
WESTLEY
Light him.
CUT TO:
THE BRUTES,
as the Giant bursts suddenly, happily into flames.
FEZZIK
(roaring)
THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS TAKES NO SURVIVORS.
ALL YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE
ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
CUT TO:
THE CHAPEL, where The Impressive Clergyman plows on.
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
... Ven wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever..
CUT TO:
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK, turning quickly, giving a sharp nod to Count Rugen,
wbo immediately takes off out of the chapel
witb the Four Guards as we
CUT TO:
FEZZIK, flaming and scary as hell.
FEZZIK
THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!
CUT TO:
YELLIN,
as suddenly the Brutes just scream and take off in wild panic --
YELLIN
Stay where you are. I said stay where you are!
CUT TO:
INSIDE THE CHAPEL
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
... so tweasuwe your vruv..
HUMPERDINCK
Skip to the end.
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
Have you the wing?
As Humperdinck whips out the ring, the screams are very loud outside.
BUTTERCUP
Here comes my Westley now.
CUT TO:
FEZZIK, as he pulls off the holocaust cloak.
WESTLEY
FEZZIK, the portcullis.
And FEZZIK rushes forward, grabbing the portcullis, which is indeed closing quickly.
FEZZIK grabs the gate: and swings the tonnage back upward. Yellin just watches in fear.
CUT TO:
THE CHAPEL,
as Humperdinck shoves the ring on Buttercup'sfinger
HUMPERDINCK
Your Westley is dead.
Buttercup only smiles, shakes her head.
HUMPERDINCK
I killed him myself.
BUTTERCUP
(never more serene)
Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
CUT TO:
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK.
And she's right. It's there.
CUT TO:
YELLIN,
pressed against the main gate. Westley, Inigo, and FEZZIK close in.
WESTLEY
Give us the gate key.
YELLIN
(every ounce of honesty he's got)
I have no gate key.
INIGO
FEZZIK, tear his arms off.
FEZZIK
steps toward him.
YELLIN
Oh, you mean this gate key.
And he whips it out, hands it to FEZZIK.
CUT TO:
HUMPERDINCK AND BUTTERCUP
AND THE IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN.
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup...
HUMPERDINCK
Man and wife -- say man and wife...
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
Man and wife.
HUMPERDINCK
(whirling to the King and Queen)
Escort the bride to the Honeymoon Suite -- I'll be there shortly.
And as he dashes off --
CUT TO:
BUTTERCUP,
standing there. Dazed.
BUTTERCUP
He didn't come.
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN AND HIS FOUR WARRIORS,
racing through the castle, and as they reach a complex intersection of several corridors, Rugen stops, incredulous, as we
CUT TO:
WESTLEY, INIGO, AND FEZZIK,
moving toward them. Actually FEZZIKis dragging Westley, who is, in turn,
dragging Yellin's sword like a stiff dog leash --
Westley simply hasn't the strength to raise it.
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN,
as the confrontation is about to start.
RUGEN
Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.
And as his Warriors attack --
Inigo goes wild, and maybe the Warrior's are good, maybe they're even
better than that -- but they never get a chance to show
it because this is something now, this is Inigo gone mad and the six-fingered
sword has never flashed faster and the FOURTH
WARRIOR is dead before the FIRST ONE has even hit the floor. There
is a pause. Then --
INIGO
(to Rugen, evenly and soft)
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN.
For a moment he just stands there, sword in hand. Then he does a most unexpected thing. He turns and runs the hell away.
CUT TO:
INIGO,
momentarily surprised, then taking off after him, leaving Westley and
FEZZIKto exchange curious looks and Rugen, running
through a half-open heavy wooden door, shutting it and locking it just
as Inigo throws himself against it. He tries again. No kind
of chance.
INIGO
(calling out)
FEZZIK, I need you --
CUT TO:
FEZZIK WITH WESTLEY,
who is still unable to walk under his own power. He calls back --
FEZZIK
(indicating Westley)
I can't leave him alone.
CUT TO:
INIGO,
desperately pounding at the heavy door.
INIGO
He's getting away from me, FEZZIK. Please. FEZZIK!
CUT TO:
FEZZIK AND WESTLEY
FEZZIK
(to Westley)
I'll be right back.
And he props Westley up against a large suit of armour and takes off toward the intersection where Inigo's voice came from --
CUT TO:
INIGO,
still hammering the door. FEZZIKapproaches, gestures for him to stop,
and with one mighty swipe of his mighty hands the door
crumbles --
INIGO
Thank you --
And Inigo flies through as FEZZIK heads back to Westley.
CUT TO:
BUTTERCUP WALKING WITH THE KING AND QUEEN.
The Queen, more sprightly, is several paces ahead.
KING
(can hardly be understood)
Strange wedding.
QUEEN
Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
Buttercup gently stops the King and places a kiss on his forehead. He's very surprised and pleased.
KING
What was that for?
BUTTERCUP
Because you've always been so kind to me. And
I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we
reach the Honeymoon Suite.
KING
(smiling away -- his hearing isn't what it once was)
Won't that be nice?
(calling out to the Queen)
She kissed me...
And on those words --
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN.
And he's running, dashing through corridors and as he glances back --
CUT TO:
INIGO,
behind him, coming like a streak and --
CUT TO:
THE INTERSECTION,
with the large suit of armour, and FEZZIKgaping, staring at all those
choices, trying to piece together the puzzle of the missing
Westley.
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN,
flashing out of one room, down a staircase, picking up his pace. He
pulls out a deadly looking dagger, with a sharp point and a
triangular shaped blade, and sprints on and --
CUT TO:
INIGO,
closing the gap, closer, closer and he's down the stairs and heading into a dining hall and --
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN,
throwing the dagger --
CUT TO:
INIGO,
trying like hell to get out of the way, but no, and it sticks deep into
his stomach, and he hurtles back helplessly against the wall
of the room, his eyes glazed, blood coming from his wound.
The room is going white on him.
INIGO
... Sorry, Father ... I tried ... I tried...
CUT TO:
COUNT RUGEN,
looking across the room at Inigo. He stares at Inigo's face, and then touches his own cheeks, as memory comes.
RUGEN
You must be that little Spanish brat I taught
a lesson to all those years ago. It's simply incredible. Have you been
chasing me your whole life only to fail now?
I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.
Inigo sinks.
CUT TO:
BUTTERCUP,
shutting the door of the Honeymoon Suite, crossing quietly to the far
wall where she sits at a table, opens a jeweled box, and
takes out a very deadly looking dagger. She seems very much at peace
as she touches the knife to her bosom.
WESTLEY
There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
And Buttercup whirls as we --
CUT TO:
WESTLEY,
lying on the bed. Yellin's sword is beside him. His voice sounds just fine, but he does not move.
Buttercup leaps to the bed, covering him with kisses. Westley is helpless.
BUTTERCUP
Oh, Westley, darling.
(more kisses)
Westley, why won't you hold me?
WESTLEY
(gently)
Gently.
BUTTERCUP
At a time like this that's all you can think
to say? "Gently?"