"Away" The Cranberries
(Elton is singing along to music. )
CHER
     Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
(Elton just sings.)
     I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? But it's also
     very pretty when it's all up, with that curly tendrils. Like in that
     picture I took.
ELTON
     You know, you're one of my best friends and I do not have friends
     that are girls.
CHER
     Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.
ELTON
     It does?
CHER
     Sure. I mean, I saw how hard your breakup with Collette was.
ELTON
     Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.
CHER
     Whatever. The thing is, is that I'd really like to see you settled
     already.
(Elton pulls the car into a parking lot.)
     Where are we going?
(The car stops.)
ELTON
     I knew it, I knew it.
(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)
CHER
     Oooh, you knew what?!
ELTON
     That you were totally sprung on me.
CHER
     Hello?! Don't you mean Tai?
ELTON
     Tai?!
CHER
     You have her picture in your locker.
ELTON
     I have the picture you took in my locker.
CHER
     Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks experience.
ELTON
     I knew it, I knew it when you kissed me.
CHER
     Suck and Blow is a game, Elton!
(Elton has another go at Cher.)
     Stop it!
ELTON
     Alright! You know, I don't get you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me
     all year.
CHER
     As if! I have been tryng to get you together with Tai.
ELTON
     Tai?! Why would I go with Tai?
CHER
     Why not?
ELTON
     Why not? Why not?! Don't you even know who my father is?
CHER
     You are snob and a half.
ELTON
     Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai, I mean, we don't make any sense,
     right? Me and you, well, makes sense.
(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)
CHER
     Cut it out!
ELTON
     C'mon.
CHER
     Stop it!
(Cher gets out of the car.)
ELTON
     Cher?! Where are you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby.
     C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would you get back in the car, please?
     Get back in the car.
CHER
     Leave me alone!
ELTON
     Fine!
(Elton drives away.)
CHER
     Hey, where are you going? Shit!
(Cher whips out the phone and dials)
OPERATOR
     Valley information.
CHER
     Yeah, do you have the number of a cab company?
OPERATOR
     Which one?
CHER
     I don't know which one. What do you have out here?
OPERATOR
     We have Valley Cabs...
ROBBER
     Hand it over.
(Cher squeals/moans)
     Give me the phone.
(Cher complies)
     OK. Bag, too. C'mon! Alright, now, uh, get down on the ground. Face
     down. C'mon!
CHER
     Oh, no. You don't understand, this is an Alaia.
ROBBER
     An a-what-a?
CHER
     It's like a totally important designer.
ROBBER
     And I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down!
(Cher whimpers as she lies down on the pavement)
     Alright, um, count to a hundred. Thank you.
CHER
     One, two...
CHER V.O.
     The evening had turned into a royal mess. Sexually harrassed,
     robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call
     Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was
     just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't want to
     call him.
(Cher dials up Josh's place. He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend)
JOSH
     C'mon.
(Phone rings)
     Hello.
CHER
     Josh, you busy?
HEATHER
     Who is it?
JOSH
     It's Mel's daughter.
CHER
     So, OK, I was at this party, and my designated driver tried to
     attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped, and then he drove off
     and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held me up, took my
     money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my
     dress.
JOSH
     OK, OK, look, um. Where are you?
CHER
     Sun Valley.
JOSH
     Man, you owe me.
 

SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR
 

"The Ghost in You" Counting Crows
HEATHER
     The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his
     little, puny brain.
JOSH
     I think there's some merit in learning the form straight off.
HEATHER
     Oh, Josh, please. He's taken our minds at the most fecund point, and
     restrained them before they've wandered through the garden of ideas.
     It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self, be true."
CHER
     Ah, no, uh, Hamlet didn't say that.
HEATHER
     I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
CHER
     Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That
     Polonius guy did.
(Josh laughs and Heather gives him a dirty look)
(The car pulls up outside Heather's place. Heather gets out of the car)
JOSH
     I'm gonna walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.
(Josh runs up to Heather's door and kisses her goodnight)
CHER V.O.
     Ew. My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
 

SCENE XXII - CHER TELLING TAI
 

CHER V.O.
     I didn't know what I was gonna say to Tai. I felt really nervous.
     Even Fabion, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.
(Scene moves to girls locker room)
TAI
     It's my hips, isn't it?
DIONNE
     No, of course not.
CHER
     Don't be stupid, you can do so much better.
DIONNE
     He thinks he's all that, Tai.
CHER
     Yeah, God's gift.
DIONNE
     You're too good for him.
TAI
     If I'm too good for him then how come I'm not with him?
CHER
     I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the
     mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.
TAI
     Oh, you guys.
(Group hug)
(Scene changes to girls in a diner. A waiter walks past)
"My Forgotten Favorite" Velocity Girl
DIONNE
     Look at him! Ooh, baby.
TAI
     Break me off a piece of that.
CHER
     Survey says?
TAI
     Doable.
DIONNE
     Puny. I like 'em big.
CHER
     Ooh, I hate muscles.
TAI
     You know I don't really care either way. Oh, just as long as his
     you-know-what isn't that crooked. I really hate that.
CHER
     What?
DIONNE
     Shh. Don't scare her.
TAI
     Why? What's wrong?
DIONNE
     Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.
TAI
     Cher, you're a virgin?!
CHER
     God, you say that like it's a bad thing.
DIONNE
     Besides, the P.C. term is hymenally challenged.
CHER
     I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person.
     You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.
TAI
     (giggling) Yeah.
CHER
     You're not one to talk, Dee.
TAI
     Oh, wait a minute here! Wait. Wait, I thought that, like you and
     Murray, right?
DIONNE
     My man is satisfied, he's got no cause for complaints, but
     technically, I am a virgin. You know what I mean.
("Rollin' With My Homies" comes on the radio)
TAI
     Oh, God.
CHER
     What's wrong, Tai?
TAI
     They're playing our song. You know, the one Elton and I danced to.
     (Singing) Rollin' with my homies.
DIONNE
     Ohh, Tai, don't cry.
TAI
     I'm sorry. Oh, God.
(Tai starts crying and banging her head on the table)
DIONNE
     Stop!
CHER V.O.
     I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerable unless I
     found someone to take Elton's place right away.
"All The Young Dudes" World Party
(Scene changes to bunch of school guys walking up the path)
     So, OK. I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I
     don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they
     just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their
     greasy hair, Ew! And cover it up with a backwards cap and like,
     we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!
 

SCENE XXIII - SCHOOL
 

CHER V.O.
     Searching for a boy in high school is as
     useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly
     Shore movie.
(Christian appears in the doorway of the classroom)
 

CHER
     Damn.
MR HALL
     So, this must be the elusive Christian.
CHRISTIAN
     Where should I park?
MR HALL
     There's one, third back.
CHER V.O.
     OK, OK. Now, I know I said I'd find a guy for Tai, but I suppose
     there's no harm in finding one for myself also.
(Cher accidently/on purpose drops her pen. Christian sees the cue and picks
up her pen. He gets a great view of Cher's legs!)
CHRISTIAN
     Nice stems.
CHER
     Thanks.
MR HALL
     Cher?
CHER
     Present.
MR HALL
     I guess we established that during attendence. It's time for your
     oral.
CHER
     Excuse me?
MR HALL
     Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.
CHER
     Oh!
(Cher approaches the podium)
     So, OK, the Attorney General says there is too much violence on T.V.
     and that should stop. But even if you took out all the violent
     shows, you could still see the news. So, until
     mankind is peaceful enough not to have
     violence on the news, there's no point in
     taking it out of shows that need it for
     entertainment value. Thank you.
(The class applaudes Cher)
MR HALL
     Any comments?
(Elton raises his hand)
     Elton?
ELTON
     My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?
(Mr. Hall ignores him.)
MR HALL
     Travis?
TRAVIS
     Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.
(Travis is a cool dude)
AMBER
     Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.
CHER
     I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
(Bell rings)
(Christian gets up and stops at Cher's desk)
CHRISTIAN
     I dug it.
"Unknown song and artist"
CHER V.O.
     During the next few days I did what any normal girl would do. I sent
     myself love letters, and flowers, and candy, just so he'd see how
     desired I was, in case he didn't already know.
(Cher hands around her candy)
CHER
     Christian.
CHER V.O.
     And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
     Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of
     being naked, and then they think of sex.
CHRISTIAN
     Hey, Dutchess.
CHER
     Yes?
CHRISTIAN
     You rashin' this weekend?
CHER
     Huh?
CHRISTIAN
     Like, Saturday. I'm new, but I thought maybe you had it in on the
     heavy clam bakes.
CHER
     Well, my ex-step brother's friends are having a party.
CHRISTIAN
     Solid!